When ‘Virtue’ is Stylish

Covert Matters Digest Episcopal Church Weighs Ban on Straight White Males


By Harry M. Covert

David W. Virtue, DD

Not since the Garden of Eden have societal mores undergone such rapid changes as the current day and age. This is particularly true in America relating to who marries who and indicates that 90 percent of the American population is heterosexual.

Now, it’s not surprising that those who navigate in the minority, some 10 percent or less, may want to get the upper hand and force the majority into their own closets.

Recently, through a surfing trip on the Internet, an eye-catching column stuck out like a sore thumb or quicker than Grant took Richmond. And here in the middle of the summer, I landed on www.Virtueonline.org.  

I could not resist the opportunity to write the Distinguished Editor. Here’s what I wrote:

There I was lollygagging on the back deck Saturday dozing here and there keeping an ear on the baseball scores. Feeling a bit guilty I just looked up at the laptop on my chest and saw on screen the inimitable Virtue on Line.

I realized I should get on the ball, wake up have another mug of fresh strong black strong coffee my favorite refreshment since the age of eleven (11). Almost at once I was alert, saw the television baseball scores and my favorite team was losing. Yikes.

Perking up I glanced at the byline, and the accompanying picture of a young white male with a patch across his lips.  Then I read more closely.  

Astonishment, the unbelievable kind, wracked my mind. I thought, I can’t believe this is happening. I knew it would probably come a few lustrums hence but today? I was agog. I was unable to think clearly at the moment. I knew David Virtue was always on top of all the news, could write fast and inform his national and international constituency with the truth and nothing but the truth. Apparently my anxiety skipped over the next line and right to the byline,
By David W. Virtue.

He wrote:

“Episcopal Church gays and lesbians are weighing a resolution to be put forward at the next General Convention making it illegal for straight white males to be admitted to the priesthood.”

I didn’t read any further. I was grabbing the telephone, jumping to email, planning to contact all of my theological friends and hit the keyboard with my own thoughts for distribution.

Had the church really and finally lost its collective mind? What a disgraceful and destructive time? I could imagine even the Episcopal Presiding Bishop and her “funny” associates, even the Archbishops of Canterbury and York in “merry olde England” would now be having numerous mental fidgets. They wouldn’t be using that English wit this time thinking or saying, “and Bob’s your uncle” or “everything is ticketyboo.”

The American saying that the ECUSA has succumbed to the old gag, put a frog in warm water and gradually turn up the heat. Finally the water’s boiling to beat the band and Mr. Frog has met his Maker. That’s what ran through my mind rather quickly.

Good gosh, I quickly thought, “Dr. Virtue, why didn’t you tip me off to the latest hot news and your ‘Scoop.’”

Refilling the coffee mug, then I got somewhat irate over such gaudy, unbelievable, sinful and irrevocable actions. I knew right off that the news wizards would be praising and promoting such historical and, let me say it David, goofy ideas.

I was truly offended. Make that I was absolutely enraged and could barely read the rest of the column because I was so visibly shaking. Suddenly I was reminded “a soft answer turns away wrath.” What? I was seeing the final destruction of what has been a historical movement that was dominant in forging the new world, the new country and what is known as the greatest nation on earth. It’s been part of the Judeo-Christian ethic that built the USA.

Now, it was evident that what I’ve been taught for seventy years is true, that “Jesus is coming soon.” All those nuts who have predicted the end of the world could now rest. The end would be any time. Maybe a quick read of Revelation is in order.

Suddenly, my tearing eyes focused on this small headline, “A satirical essay.”

And, Dr. Virtue has pulled another fast one. I finally read the rest of the story, as the late Paul Harvey often said. Again, I broke out into laughter, screaming belly laughs. You know, this is the road on which TECUSA is traveling today. It’s fast moving and true believers should be guffawing with Virtueonline. Otherwise we won’t understand that “a merry heart does better than medicine.”

Yr Obedient Servant